


Gwen and the Quest for Plasters

by humantales



Category: Torchwood
Genre: Community: tw_unpaired, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-03-14
Updated: 2011-03-14
Packaged: 2017-10-16 23:05:12
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,673
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/170354
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/humantales/pseuds/humantales
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ianto Jones is so competent that his coworkers at Torchwood forget that he doesn't know how to do <i>everything</i>.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Gwen and the Quest for Plasters

**Author's Note:**

> Written for tw_unpaired prompt #6: Someone on the team gets turned into a child and they force Ianto to babysit. Since he has a niece and nephew, he *must* know how to deal with children, right? RIGHT???

Ianto's sigh was pure relief. The Rift had been quiet for almost a week and everyone was starting to get nervous and irritable. Once the others had had their lunch, Ianto had passed around another round of coffee and headed down to the archives. Once there, he was able to relax.

He'd been working on properly archiving some of the less-dangerous, or less-known, artefacts. Most of them had already been identified and tagged; it was a matter of appropriate storage. The work wasn't _quite_ mindless, but it wasn't the mentally intensive work of dealing with unidentified artefacts. It was some of his favourite work: increasing the ratio of organisation to chaos, and some of the descriptions were interesting.

He'd been down there for almost two hours when he heard footsteps in the main area. The most likely interloper, of course, was Jack, but Ianto didn't think it was him. Jack had phone calls all afternoon and, as easy-going as he liked to act, Captain Harkness took his duties seriously. Ianto wouldn't see him until late this afternoon at the earliest.

It wouldn't be Owen. Owen never willingly came down to the archives, and only came unwillingly when it involved medical records that Ianto wouldn't get for him. Tosh was forbidden to come down. It wasn't that Ianto didn't like her, or trust her to follow his protocols, but . . . She meant well, but she had a tendency to get distracted by the fascinating tech and, if it was fascinating enough . . . After the third time she'd been endangered by her curiosity, she'd been banned from coming down into the archives unless Jack and Ianto were there to supervise. In return, Jack would make sure that fascinating tech would make its way to her desk.

Gwen was the only one who was likely to come down, especially if she was bored. Ianto didn't even have a problem with her helping out. Although he wasn't comfortable leaving her alone in the archives, she did take the procedures seriously and rarely got distracted by the tech. Setting down the piece he was working on, Ianto walked out to the main area.

Sure enough, it was Gwen. "Hi, Ianto," she said, smiling. "Can you use some help?"

"That boring upstairs?" Ianto asked.

She sagged a little, and shook her head. "Jack's trying to figure out which alien is the best at satisfying a human, Owen's trying to come up with which one is grossest, and then describing it, and Tosh is somehow able to ignore it all. All my paperwork is done; can I please come help you?" And she used the big eyes. Overkill, but Gwen didn't do subtle.

"You know you're always welcome here, silly," Ianto said, smiling back. "You can start on that tray; everything's already been tagged."

"Thanks, pet," she said, giving him a peck on the cheek.

For the next two hours, they worked companionably, each on their own tasks. Ianto had come to enjoy the rare occasions when both of them could be spared in the archives; it was nice having someone else around who understood that paperwork had a purpose other than frustration.

A couple of hours later, Jack's voice came over Ianto's comm. "So, big boy, ready to bring me some dark, sweet love?"

"I assume you're talking about coffee and not harassment during working hours," Ianto said, keeping his voice deadpan but rolling his eyes at Gwen, who giggled.

"And bring Gwen back up with you," Jack said. "It's not fair to take away all the fabulous Welshness from the Hub. Especially since Tosh is hip-deep in algorithms; we'll probably have to dig her out to send her home."

Ianto smirked. "Understood. Let me close up down here and we'll be up in a few." He turned to his work station to begin the process of closing down the archives.

"Ianto, I need to reattach this tag," Gwen said. "Is there any special procedure? Oh, and what's a red tag?"

"No special procedure for reattaching a tag," Ianto said, his attention on what he was doing. "Red tags mean . . . Damn it, Gwen; drop it!"

He stood quickly and moved to Gwen, but his warning came too late. She'd picked up the artefact that had lost its tag--a red tag indicating special handling required--and it had activated. Instead of the lovely Gwen Cooper, Torchwood agent and Rhys Williams's fiancée, there was a little girl, about four years old, in a pile of fabric, with big green eyes and a gap between her two front teeth.

"Shit, shit, shit," he muttered to himself as he bent down to check over the little girl.

"Bad words," she giggled. "I'm tellin'."

Ianto rolled his eyes. She certainly sounded all right. He hit his comm while gathering her up. "Owen, I'm bringing Gwen up; you need to check her out."

"What did she do this time?" their esteemed physician whined.

"Touched something she shouldn't," Ianto said as he picked up the artefact and locked down his desktop and the area and headed upstairs. Gwen, fortunately, wasn't struggling. In fact, she cuddled into his arms and sighed happily.

"Oooh," Jack said, sounding amused. Since Ianto didn't sound frantic, their leader probably assumed it wasn't anything major. He was in for a big surprise, Ianto thought. "Do I have to remind the two of you about the rules about having fun together?"

Ianto rolled his eyes. "Get your mind out of the gutter, Jack," he said. "I'm bringing up the tech she touched."

"What was she doing down in the archives?" Tosh asked, sounding unhappy.

"Helping me," Ianto answered. Why didn't they have a lift from the archives to the main Hub? Security was all well and good, but carrying a little girl, even if she was cooperating and not squirmy, was not fun.

"You don't let me help," Tosh said. Ianto could now hear the unhappiness as jealousy.

"That's because Gwen usually doesn't play with the pretty things," Ianto said. "Sorry, Tosh, you have my highest respect, but you're not very good at resisting tech."

Tosh made an unhappy sound but didn't debate it. They could all still remember the Chameleon Incident and the Really Cool Children's Toy for an unidentified telepathic race.

When he finally made it up to the main Hub, Ianto looked down at Gwen, who smiled back up at him a little sleepily. "If I set you down," he asked, "can you go straight to Owen?"

She beamed at him. "Uh-huh. I like Owen. He makes me feel good." She scowled. "I don't remember how, though."

Lovely. "Well, he'll make sure you're all right. Go on, then." He set her down and she ran happily to the medical bay.

Jack was already out of his office, ready to start handling this latest crisis, but the sight of little Gwen stopped him. "Is that my lovely second-in-command?" he asked after a minute.

Tosh's hand was covering her face as Owen could be heard from the medical bay saying, "Right. Forget the clothes, but sit still. Do you hurt anywhere?"

Considering the giggles, that was unlikely. "Yes, sir, that is Gwen Cooper. She picked up this," he held up the artefact, now safely contained, "to reattach the red tag stating that it is touch-activated technology."

Jack clanged down the stairs and picked up the containment box, opened it and carefully pulled out the red tag. As he read it, he winced and looked around. "Ianto, can you get me some gloves, please?"

Ianto reached into his coat pocket and pulled out a pair of gloves. "Here you are, sir," he said, offering them in true butler fashion.

Jack accepted the gloves, eyes twinkling, and handed Ianto the box while he put them on. Then he removed the artefact and looked it over. After a moment, he sighed and relaxed. "This could be a whole lot worse," he said, looking over to the medical bay. "I actually know this tech, and I think I can reverse it."

Owen stomped over from the medical bay, a giggling, squirming Gwen under his arm. "How fast?" he asked.

Jack's head snapped over. "Why?"

"Cause she's even more of a pain like this than she usually is," Owen said with a scowl.

Gwen started to sniff. "I thought you liked me," she said, her sniffles sounding like she was ready to start crying for real.

At Jack's, Ianto's and Tosh's combined glares, Owen sighed and swung Gwen around so he could look at her. "I like you fine," he said heavily, "but you can't exactly work this way."

"Sure," she said, her smile reappearing. "I can help! I like helping. I can . . ."

"Can you come and answer a bunch of boring questions for me?" Jack asked, holding out his hands to her.

Giggling again, Gwen bounced out of Owen's hands and into Jack's, making Owen swear. Fortunately, Jack seemed to be prepared for her, because he caught her with no problems. "All right, people. Everybody go back to what you were doing. Ianto, I'm going to need the strong stuff." He slung Gwen over his shoulder, to her delight, and went into his office and shut the door. The other three could see him set her on his desk as he sat in his chair.

"Too bad, mate," Owen said, patting Ianto on the shoulder. "Are you making a round? I could murder a coffee," he said, heading back to the medical bay.

Tosh patted his arm and gave him a sympathetic smile. "Please?"

"Of course," Ianto said to her, patting her hand before she went back to her desk. He shook his head as he walked to the coffee machine and began making the afternoon round of caffeine. As always, Owen and Tosh's misreading of Gwen's relationship with Jack amused him. Of course they wanted each other, but they'd be poison as a couple and, at some level, they both knew it and were very relieved that he and Rhys were in the way.

Gwen was his friend. The morning after Lisa had died, Gwen had come over to check on him and, when she found that he was living out of boxes in a truly disreputable flat, had insisted that he find something better. That minute. She'd called in a couple of favours and had found him someplace liveable he could move into the next day. She'd even yelled at Jack when he'd found Ianto gone and had flown into a rage. When Jack had finally shown up at the new flat, he'd had a sheepish expression, an apology for ignoring his living environment—and a dark red handprint on his face. It was the first time Ianto had laughed since Lisa died, even if the laughter did turn into tears almost immediately.

After delivering coffees to Owen and Tosh, Ianto opened the door to Jack's office. Gwen was lying across Jack's desk in a pose that would have been erotic if she were her real age drawing something unidentifiable. She had every writing implement from Jack's desk lying out. Ianto gently removed the fountain pen and replaced it and handed her the warm milk with cinnamon he'd made for her. She sat up and took the milk, taking a big sip and saying, "T'ank you, Ianto," through a ridiculous milk moustache. It was even sillier since it looked exactly like the one she'd had last week when Ianto had made everyone warm milk after a late night.

"You're welcome, Gwen," Ianto said to her, nodding politely as he handed Jack his coffee.

Jack took a big gulp and said, "Ianto, this will probably-"

"Thank you!" Gwen shouted.

Ianto did his best to bite back the smile at Jack's surprise. "Er, yes, sorry. Thanks, Ianto; perfect as always."

"You're welcome, sir," Ianto said, still holding back his smile. Judging from Jack's grin, he wasn't very successful. "Now, you had something to say?"

As Gwen giggled, Jack shook his head and said, "Yeah. This is a little tricky; I'm converting very different units of time and different types of materials. We need to plan on this taking at least a couple of days. In the meantime, I don't think Miss Gwen here will be comfortable in those clothes. Do you think you can pick up some things for, say, the next couple of days?"

Ianto took a good look at her and compared her in size to Mica. She looked to be a little bigger, so a size, maybe two, up should work. He'd see when he got to the store. "So, tops, bottoms-"

"Knickers," Gwen sniggered.

"You wear knickers?" Jack asked in fake amazement.

"Sir," Ianto said as repressively as he could when he wanted to laugh at Gwen's outrage. "Socks, shoes," he picked up her foot to check it, which made her laugh. "Ticklish, eh?" he asked, pretending to come to tickle her. She squealed and dove into Jack's lap.

"That won't keep you safe," Jack said, his eyes twinkling. "Yeah, all that, a coat and something to keep the little lady entertained." He smiled at her. "Just get her what you'd get your niece."

Ianto rolled his eyes. He didn't think a twenty pound note would go over very well. "I'll see what I can do," he said.

"I'm going out," he called over to Tosh and Owen as he left Jack's office. "Do we need anything?" He ignored the absurdities that Owen called over, but made a note to pick up some chocolates for Tosh, who looked a little down.

By the time he'd finished picking up everything he could think of, it was late enough that he went ahead and picked up dinner as well. He was greeted happily by the others when he walked into the Hub. "Oh, good," Owen said as he grabbed the food sack, "I was starving."

Jack was walking out of his office, somehow knowing Ianto had food, with Gwen right behind him. "Say thank you!" she shouted at Owen.

When Owen just rolled his eyes, Gwen stamped her foot. "Say thank you or no sweets!" she said. When he continued to ignore her, she ran to the medical bay.

"Uh, Gwen, I don't think that's such a good idea," Jack said, chasing her. To Ianto's surprise, she was fast.

When Tosh hissed, "Owen!" Owen caved and said, "Thank you, Ianto," in his most obnoxious voice.

Gwen stopped and walked to Ianto. "You clean up for being rude," she said to Owen. Then she looked up at Ianto. "Did you get chocolate milk?" she asked.

Ianto winced. It hadn't even occurred to him. "No," he said, "but I did get something nice for after."

She smiled. "Thank you, Ianto. You take good care of us." She took Ianto's hand and led them all to the boardroom.

Jack and Tosh laughed at Owen's disgruntlement, but made sure to thank Ianto nicely.

While Owen cleaned up dinner, Jack leaned back in his chair. "I phoned Rhys. He's out of town for the next couple of days, so it's up to us to take care of Gwen."

"I take care of myself," Gwen said, her chin high.

"I think everybody'll be happier knowing there's somebody big around in case of emergencies," Jack said solemnly. "So, any volunteers?"

"I tried to get out of paediatrics," Owen said.

"I've never spent any time with kids," Tosh said, her shoulders hunched.

Before Ianto could deny any childcare skills of his own, Jack said, "While I have taken care of little ones, I have some people to meet with tonight. So, Gwen, it looks like you're spending the night with Ianto. OK?"

"Er, no," Ianto said, looking around, wondering when everyone had gone mad. "I've never taken care of children either. I'd have thought Tosh, just because you're both female, or Jack, you were good with her."

"Oh, come on," Jack said, looking disbelieving. "I know you have a niece and nephew that don't live too far from here. You can't tell me you never visit."

"Well, no," Ianto admitted. Jack knew he did, "But all I do--"

"They probably love your visits," Tosh said, smiling at him as she stood. "Call if something happens, Jack."

"Yeah," Owen said. "Guess Ianto's not on call tonight. Be a good girl," he said, chucking Gwen under the chin. "Don't do anything I wouldn't do."

Jack sniggered. "That doesn't leave much. Stop worrying, Ianto, you'll be fine," he said, giving Ianto a quick kiss. "If I can, I'll stop by later."

The other three were out the door before Ianto could collect his arguments. He stared at the empty room while he said, "I give them money. Rhi wouldn't even give me a house plant to take care of."

"You'll be good," Gwen said, grabbing his hand. Then she yawned. "I'm sleepy."

Ianto sighed. "Right. Here we go." He bent down and picked her up, stopping to get the things he'd picked up for her on the way out.

His first stop was Rhi's. He had no idea how he was going to explain Gwen, but he thought it was better than trying to take care of her himself. Unfortunately, Rhi wasn't home. When he called her mobile, she said, "I'm at Johnny's mum's. No, I can't take care of any other kids; David and Mica are already driving me mad. Just relax; you'll do fine."

"That's what they all say," Ianto grumbled as he disconnected the call, "but it's what they're going to say in the morning that's the problem." He sighed and looked down at Gwen, who was sitting on his car's bonnet and pouting. "Looks like you're coming home with me." At least that had her smiling again.

By the time they got to Ianto's flat, Gwen was sound asleep in the back seat. Ianto didn't think this was so bad. He could bring her in, give her a bath and put her to bed without any interference. He'd deal with tomorrow in the morning.

Unfortunately, things didn't go quite according to plan. First, Gwen woke up when he picked her up. She was cranky and wiggly; Ianto had a time of it not dropping her. When he finally got his door unlocked, after dropping everything else, Gwen wriggled out of his arms and fell, which started her crying. Ianto kicked the bags into the flat and picked her up.

After several minutes of cuddling to stop her tears, he went to start a bath. It turned out Gwen didn't like baths. "Well, what about a shower?" Ianto asked.

"Nooooooo," Gwen screamed running around the flat. She tripped over the oversized top which had been acting like a dress all day, and hit her nose on the floor, which set her off to wailing again.

Ianto took a deep breath, picked her up and set her on the kitchen table to check out her face. "I think you'll have a bit of a bruise, but you'll be OK," he reassured her.

"Need a plaster," she said.

"You don't need a plaster," Ianto said. "You're not bleeding."

"I need a plaster!" Gwen insisted.

Ianto went through enough first aid supplies as it was; he wasn't wasting plasters when they weren't needed.

"I need a plaster!" Gwen shouted, crying. "Need a plaster! You're mean! You hurted me!"

"All right," Ianto finally said. Anything to shut her up. "But you won't need it till after your bath."

"Don't want a bath!" Gwen said, her lower lip sticking out.

"You were down in the filthy, dirty archives," Ianto said. "You need a bath."

"No!" Gwen said, crossing her arms and clearly not going to move.

Ianto had been woken at five to hunt Weevils and he hadn't stopped all day. He was tired and wanted to drink a beer and go to bed. He was not dealing with Gwen having a temper tantrum. So, he grabbed her top and yanked it over her head.

Gwen started howling, screaming about how mean Ianto was and how he was hurting her.

He had to hold her tightly to his side while he ran the bath, making sure it was on the cool side, while Gwen wriggled and screamed bloody murder. When there were finally a couple of inches of water in the tub, he dumped her in it and turned for a flannel and the soap.

"I want bubbles," Gwen demanded.

Ianto looked at her. "I don't have bubbles," he said. "I've never had a child here for more than an hour; I've never baby-sat; I know how to give kids money. You're just going to have to deal with it. Now, if I give you these," he held up the flannel and bar of soap, "can you wash yourself, or do you need me to do it for you?"

Gwen pouted at him. Ianto sighed and started wetting the flannel. "Kiss it better," she said.

"Huh?"

She pointed to her nose. "Kiss it better!"

Ianto closed his eyes and gave her a peck on her nose. "Better now?" he asked.

"Yep!" she said happily and pointed at his shower gel. "Use that soap."

Ianto couldn't think of a reason not to, so he put the bar down and grabbed the gel. He quickly discovered that Gwen would not be cleaning herself, but wasn't too uncooperative about letting Ianto do so.

Nearly an hour after he'd started, Ianto was finally drying Gwen off. Her new pyjamas had managed to stay dry, so he was able to get her into them without too much trouble. She reminded him of his promise, so he stuck a plaster on her nose and then took her into his bedroom.

Once he had her tucked into the bed, she looked around the room with wide eyes. "It's a big bed," she said, her voice subdued.

"Not as big as yours," Ianto said, thinking of the beer in his fridge, and which of his DVDs he would watch to put himself to sleep.

"Oh. It's high, too," she said.

"You'll be fine," Ianto said. He tucked her in snugly and turned his lamp down to his dimmest setting. "There, in case you need something in the night. I'll be right out there, OK?"

"K," she said. As he stood, she threw her arms open. "Hugs and kisses?" she asked, biting her lip.

She looked so little and vulnerable that Ianto leaned over to give her a big hug and a firm kiss to the top of her head. "I'll just be watching the telly," he said. "Come get me if you need me."

"I like telly," she said, trying to keep her eyes open.

"Not tonight," he said, as gently as he could.

She finally sighed and squirmed down into the bed. "Night, Ianto. Sweet dreams, sleep tight and . . ." She frowned. "I don't remember the rest of it."

Neither did Ianto. "Just sleep well, Gwen," he said, giving her another kiss on her nose.

She giggled and closed her eyes.

Ianto grabbed a beer and turned on the telly. After ten minutes of staring at his DVDs, he just left whatever was on playing and stretched out on the sofa. He was asleep before he finished the beer.

He was woken from a sound sleep by an blood-curdling scream. He sat up quickly, disoriented for a minute until he remembered the day before. He pulled himself off the sofa and dashed into his bedroom to find Gwen standing in the centre of the bed, screaming, "Go away!" and pointing into the air.

"What is it?" he asked, not seeing anything.

"Big bugs!" she said, sobbing with tears streaming down her face.

Starting to say there wasn't anything there, Ianto decided to fake her out. "Be right back," he said, to her dismay. He ran to the hall and went through his jacket for his PDA and went back to his bedroom. "Scanner," he said, holding it up.

Gwen quieted, staring at him with huge eyes.

He smiled at her and grabbed a magazine from his bedside table and started swatting at the air. After a minute, Gwen started pointing at the ones she wanted him to get next, which he did. Several minutes later, Ianto smiled at her triumphantly. "There we go," he said. "All gone."

With a sad expression, Gwen nodded. "Night, Ianto," she said.

"Good night." Ianto tucked her back into bed, and gave her another hug.

He returned to the living room and couch, feeling very pleased with himself. He'd just gotten settled again, and was starting to doze off, when he felt Gwen nudge his arm.

"You missed one," she said, her lower lip quivering.

Ianto sighed, pulled himself back up and swatted the remaining "bug". "Any more?" he asked, giving Gwen a stern look.

She shook her head, but gave him her best big-eyed look. "It's scary all alone in here," she said, her voice very quiet.

Ianto sighed. He was pretty sure that a grown man shouldn't be in bed with a little girl. At least, not without a woman there to chaperone. Still, Gwen was a grown woman, so maybe it'd be all right. At least, as long as Rhys didn't get upset. He thought there was something off about his thinking, but he was too tired to straighten it out. "Let me put on pyjamas," he said, "and I'll come to bed in here. Is that all right?"

Gwen smiled her best gap-toothed smile. "Thank you, Ianto," she said, snuggling back into the bed.

Ianto changed into his clothes in the loo. By the time he got back into his bedroom, Gwen was asleep. He considered going back out, but decided it was too likely that she'd wake up again screaming bloody murder, so he crawled into the bed. Gwen had made herself comfortable on his side of the bed, so he crawled into the "guest" side and managed to settle down and go back to sleep.

When his alarm clock woke him the next morning, Ianto grumbled, but pulled himself out of bed. Since Gwen didn't wake up, he decided to get himself ready for the day before he got her up. Unfortunately, Jack called while he was in the shower. He didn't realise it until the door opened and Gwen walked in. "Ianto," she called, "Jack's on the phone. He's naked in the shower," she told Jack matter-of-factly. After a minute she giggled. "I don't know, there's a door in the way," she said. "I'll open it for you-"

Groaning at the two idiots on the phone, Ianto slammed off the shower and grabbed his towel, wrapping it around his waist just before Gwen got the door open. "Too bad," she giggled. "He's got a towel on." After a minute, she grabbed for the towel. Ianto held on and grabbed for the phone. To his relief, he was enough stronger than the little girl that he didn't actually have to fight.

"D-!" He reminded himself that she was a little girl and bit off the curse. "Jack," he said, bringing his voice back to its normal tones, "please don't encourage the delinquency of a minor." He took a deep breath. "What's up?"

"Good morning," Jack said, sounding entirely too amused. "How was your night? Sorry I couldn't drop by."

"It was fine," Ianto said. "I'm just getting ready; we shouldn't be too late."

"Look," Jack said. "I'm sorry I didn't think of it, but this is going to take a couple of days, and the Hub is dangerous for adults, much less kids. Why don't you just stay home with her? Take it easy, spend the day at the park or doing something fun. I'll let you know as soon as I've got this thing fixed and you can bring her in. Think of it as a little holiday."

Ianto stared at his mobile, appalled. "Jack--"

"I know," Jack said, still sounding way too amused. "It's not really a holiday, but there's no reason to hang around the Hub. It'll be better all around if Gwen isn't here."

"But you were so good with her," Ianto said, doing his best not to wail.

"You're doing fine," Jack said calmly. "Look, this week is getting crazier by the minute. Between the budget and whatever's going on over at UNIT, I can't play babysitter. Look, if I can manage it, I'll come over this evening and give you a bit of a break. I should be able to get this thing straightened out within a week." There was some kind of loud noise on the other end. "What--? Sorry, Ianto, gotta go."

Ianto stared at the phone, and then looked up at Gwen. She seemed perfectly content, but he could see the bruises on her nose and knee from last night. "I guess you're staying here," he said, dredging up a smile.

"Goody," Gwen said. "I'm hungry."

The next crisis occurred while Ianto was sitting waiting for his coffee. He'd made them toast for breakfast, with milk for her and coffee for him. Gwen scarfed down the toast, but then asked, "Where's the rest of it?" When Ianto stared at her blankly, she said, "Cereal with bananas, or eggs with bacon, or pancakes with syrup, or-"

"Gwen," Ianto said, "I don't have any of those things." When she started to look like she was going to throw a tantrum, he looked wistfully at the brewing coffee and sighed. "Why don't we go out for breakfast and we can pick up some things since you're going to be here for a bit?"

"Great!" She ran off to get herself dressed while Ianto drank the one cup of coffee he was likely to have that day.

He'd taken the first sip when she started wailing. Ianto set the cup down and ran to his bedroom. She'd tried to put her jeans on after her trainers and had knocked herself over into Ianto's bedside table. It took several minutes of cuddling before she'd let him straighten out the mess and get her properly dressed. By the time they got back to the kitchen, his coffee was cold.

"Zap it!" Gwen said, laying her head on his shoulder.

Ianto made a face. "I don't think so," he told her.

They finally made it to the restaurant for breakfast. Ianto's head was pounding from the lack of caffeine and Gwen was pretty cranky as well. As the waitress served them, Ianto noticed her glaring at him. He tried to think, but he couldn't remember he and Jack ever being here and misbehaving. When she came around to give him a refill of substandard coffee, she asked, "What happened to your little girl?"

"She's a co-worker's," he said, tiredly. "There was an accident at work and I've been looking after her."

"Yep," Gwen said, her face covered with jam. "I got this one," she said, pointing to her knee, "when I wiggled too much and fell. I got this one when I fell on my clothes," she pointed to her nose, "and Ianto wouldn't give me a plaster."

The waitress was now giving Ianto a much more sympathetic look. "Looks like he gave you one to me," she said.

"Only after I cried a lot," Gwen said matter-of-factly. "And this one," she pointed to her cheek, "I got when my trainers got mixed up with my jeans. Ianto's good at cuddling."

"Maybe you should try not to need so much," the waitress said. She smiled at Ianto. "She's a little sweetheart."

Ianto started to say, "She's a little terror," when he saw Gwen's big eyes on him. He sighed. "I don't know much about kids," he told the waitress. "It's quite an experience."

When the waitress gave him the bill, she handed him a couple of wet napkins. "For her face," she said. "You'll want to get it before it gets too set."

Ianto sighed and started scrubbing.

The next stop was the supermarket. In order to eliminate, he hoped, Gwen's managing to hurt herself any more, he put her in the child seat in the front of the trolley and belted her in. The shopping proceeded smoothly from there; Gwen had lots of opinions about what constituted essentials and which varieties Ianto should pick up, but she was cheerful even when he didn't go along with her. He thought he was going to have one experience that went smoothly when Tosh called.

"Do you remember that device that came through the Rift last week?" she asked.

There had been three large groups of objects that had come through the Rift in the last two weeks, along with a dozen smaller groups and a couple of individual ones. "Can you be a little more specific?" he asked, parking the trolley next to the dairy aisle.

Tosh started to describe what she was looking for. Ianto took his eyes off Gwen to concentrate on Tosh. They'd only been talking for a few minutes when he heard Gwen gasp. He turned and saw her falling out of the trolley. He managed to catch her by dropping the phone, but she still knocked her arm on the case. Hoping that there wasn't a crisis at the Hub, Ianto spent the next few minutes calming Gwen down and promising a plaster as soon as they got home.

An older woman came by as he was rebelting her into the trolley. "Can't take your eyes off them for a minute," she said, her lips thin.

"So I'm finding," Ianto said. "What were you trying to get, Gwen? Couldn't you wait a minute?"

"You were busy with Tosh," Gwen said, still sniffling. "I wanted the cheese." She pointed at the cheese slices that Ianto had already vetoed.

"You're only finding this out now?" the woman asked. "Haven't you spent any time with your little girl?"

Ianto looked down at Gwen and realised that there was enough resemblance between them for the mistake to be understandable. "She's not mine," he said, hearing how tired his voice sounded. "I'm looking after her for a co-worker."

"He's taking good care of me," Gwen said. "He gives cuddles and plasters and got me good stuff to eat."

The woman glanced down into the trolley and sniffed. "Little ones shouldn't have too much sugar," she said to Ianto.

"Thank you," Ianto said, hoping his smile didn't show what he felt about the old bitch. "Excuse me; I have a promise to keep." He held onto Gwen while he bent down for his mobile, keeping his eyes on the little girl as the woman sailed away.

"She wasn't very nice," Gwen said in a loud voice.

"Please, not now," Ianto said, not looking at the glare he got. "Please, don't move." He dialled Tosh back.

"What happened?" Tosh asked. "Are you all right? Where's Gwen?"

"We had a little mishap with the grocery trolley," Ianto said. "We're both fine. Now, about that--"

"Oh, never mind," Tosh said quickly. "I'll just go down to the archives and see if I can find it."

"Tosh, don't--" Ianto started as Tosh hung up. He sighed and brought his forehead to Gwen's. "When I get back, I'm locking the archives and no one else gets in," he told the little girl.

"Oopsie," she said. "Tosh is in trouble," she chanted, rocking back and forth. This, and trying to decide what Tosh's punishment would be, kept her entertained until they got through the check-out.

After getting everything home and put away, Gwen was complaining about being hungry again, so Ianto fixed them lunch and, from a vague memory of his own childhood, insisted that she take a nap. To his relief, after about fifteen minutes of complaining about not being tired, Gwen fell asleep in the middle of his bed. Ianto sighed in relief and fell asleep himself while trying to decide what he should be doing.

He was woken half an hour later by the phone. "Yeah?" he answered, a little groggy.

"Hey there," Jack said, "sleeping on the job's a no-no."

"Then I quit," Ianto said, all sense of humour gone. "One of you can take up Gwen-wrangling."

Gwen sat up and started looking around. "Nap time's over?" she asked, looking around. She crawled to the edge of the bed, but misjudged the distance and slipped off the bed. She started crying.

"Hey, what's the problem?" Jack asked, not sounding cheerful for the first time since this whole mess had started. "Tosh said she was crying earlier. What are you doing?"

"Gwen keeps forgetting she's not big," Ianto said. He had no idea if it was the truth or not, but it would certainly explain things. "Look, I've got to make sure she's not badly hurt. Can you come over later?" He ended the call and reached over the bed for Gwen.

She cuddled into his arms, whimpering and fretting. Several minutes later, she was asleep again. Ianto looked at his bed, thinking of how comfortable it was, but then thought of how likely Gwen would fall out of it again. Grabbing a blanket, he carried her into the lounge, shoved the coffee table out of the way and lay down on the carpet with her. He wasn't able to fall asleep again, worrying over all the different ways a child could get hurt in his flat. Since David and Mica never came over, he'd never had to worry about childproofing.

Nearly an hour later, Gwen woke up, much more cheerful. "Can we go to the play park?" she asked. "And go on the swings and the slide and get ice cream?"

All Ianto could think about was all the different ways Gwen could get hurt there, but she wouldn't be any safer in his flat. "Sure," he said, picking himself up. "Let's get you cleaned up a bit."

"You should change," she said, pointing to his clothes.

Ianto looked down at himself. He'd automatically dressed for work this morning and hadn't changed even after Jack had told him to stay home. He'd admit that a suit and tie didn't really match taking a little girl to the play park. "Can you wash your hands and face without my help?" he asked Gwen. "Without getting hurt?"

"Uh-huh," Gwen said with a serious expression.

"God help me," Ianto sighed. "Fine. You do that and I'll change."

To Ianto's surprise, there were no more disasters and they were able to get out the door reasonably quickly. Gwen only stumbled twice on the walk to the play park.

While dusting her off after the second fall, Ianto asked, "Where you this clumsy as a child?"

"Yep," Gwen said. "I broke my arm and my collarbone and three ribs and had a concussion. Different times." She scowled at her knee. "I need a plaster."

"I don't have one," Ianto said with a sigh. "You either live without the plaster or we go home and stay home. I promise your insides won't fall out."

Gwen giggled. "You're such a Silly Billy," she said as she skipped ahead.

Ianto sagged with relief. He really wasn't up for another plaster tantrum.

Spending the afternoon at the play park turned out to be much more restful than he'd expected. Although Gwen managed to add rather spectacularly to her collection of minor injuries, none of the adults present gave him anything other than sympathetic looks. He was also offered wet wipes, plasters and advice when Gwen came running with something that needed more than a kiss to "make it better".

If he were interested in breaking up with Jack, he thought he'd have no trouble pulling by coming to a play park with David and/or Mica in tow. That thought made the afternoon even more cheerful, especially after collecting three phone numbers even after he'd stated that he was involved. Gwen, fortunately, found that amusing and kept up a running commentary, much of which was startling coming from the mouth of a little girl.

They stayed there quite happily, eating chips and ice creams, until the sun went down. To Ianto's relief, Gwen didn't fight the bath and went to sleep with only three requests for water and two for good-night kisses. Ianto looked longingly at the beer in his fridge, but decided against it. Just in case, he wanted to be able to drive to the Hub or the hospital.

When his mobile started buzzing, it took several minutes for Ianto to wake up enough to identify and then answer it.

"Pretty plush life you have, Ianto," came Jack's booming, cheerful voice over the phone. "In bed before midnight."

Ianto squinted at his clock, which currently read 11:59. "It's called exhaustion," Ianto said. "You should try it sometime." Gwen began stirring, so Ianto sighed and hauled himself out of bed. "Is there a problem?"

"No," Jack said, his voice gentler. "Just checking up on you two. Gwen's been running you ragged, huh?"

"She's acting her age. It's something more of our employees might try." Ianto couldn't help smirking a little.

"Ouch!" Ianto could almost see him miming being shot through the heart. "Y'know, I'm not sure which of you would be the easiest as a little kid. I'm leaning towards you. I'm just really glad it wasn't Owen."

"Not so sure about that," Ianto said, making himself comfortable on the sofa. "I wouldn't nominate me; I was a little terror. Tosh or Gwen, probably. Gwen's been pretty well-behaved, I think, but we need to find out if she was always this clumsy. I keep waiting to be reported for abuse."

"I think I'll be able to release you by tomorrow," Jack said, his smile clear from his voice. "I just want to run a few more tests, but I thought I'd take a break. So, what are you wearing?"

Ianto glared at the mobile. "That's harassment," he said, a little more sharply than usual. "Good night, sir."

As he disconnected the mobile, he could hear Jack saying, "Hey, wait-"

Wondering whether it would be worse to be caught by Little Gwen or Big Gwen while in the middle of phone sex, or any sex, Ianto tossed the mobile on the bedside table and went back to sleep.

Ianto woke the next morning to a screaming row from the direction of his lounge. That made no sense since his lounge was on the outside wall. Rolling over to check the clock, he was stunned to realise how late it was. Then he realised that Gwen wasn't in bed any longer. He pulled himself out of bed as quickly as he could, hoping that Gwen hadn't managed to hurt herself again.

He found the row in the lounge, along with Jack and Gwen, once more restored to her adult self. Since neither of them had seen him, Ianto slipped back out of sight to hear what Gwen was so angry about. He'd tried his best, and she hadn't seemed too unhappy.

". . . just like before Lisa!" Gwen shouted. Ianto winced; he'd really thought that Gwen had forgiven him. "How have things changed?"

"This isn't the same thing at all!" Jack shouted back, sounding nearly as angry as Ianto had ever heard. "What do you suggest we should have done?"

"First, you should have listened to him," Gwen said. She wasn't shouting any more, but she still sounded angry. "Everyone heard 'niece and nephew', but no one listened past it."

"They're local," Jack said, sounding . . . hurt? "He visits them, when he can. No one was expecting perfection. If you ask me, he did fine."

Ianto heard a slap and winced. Jack would be unbearable for the next day or so until something else happened. "He was wonderful!" Gwen said at a scream.

Ianto blinked and decided it was time to show himself. He walked into the room and said, in his driest voice, "I'm sure the neighbours appreciate your choosing to have your row in front of the open windows, but you should have labels so they know who you are and who to root for."

Gwen glanced at the window and bit her lip while Jack snorted. "Please. They'll have decided that Gwen's my wife and she's divorcing me because I have a male 'bit on the side'."

"Nah," Gwen said, trying not to smile. "They'll think that you're telling me off because you're cheating _on_ Ianto _with_ me and I'm trying to have you all to myself. Daft, but that's what they'll think." She looked over at Ianto. "I'm sorry, sweetheart. I didn't mean to wake you up."

While Ianto shrugged, Jack gave him a lop-sided smile. "How much did you hear?" he asked.

"Enough to be pretty sure I'm not in too much trouble?" Ianto said. "Not really sure what the screaming was about."

"Too much trouble?" Gwen asked, shooting an angry glance at Jack.

Before she could get started, Jack pulled her purse out of a paper sack. "Here, call Rhys," he said as he handed her the purse. "It's about time for his morning call. He's been worried about you."

Gwen took the purse while she scowled at Jack. "This isn't over," she said as she pulled out her mobile. With the sweet smile she seemed to reserve for Rhys, she headed into the bedroom and pulled the door mostly closed.

"Thank God!" Jack said when Gwen's voice could be heard. He rubbed at his cheek. "I wish she'd stop to think, or at least pull her slaps a little."

"What was she so upset about?" Ianto asked.

"You're not still worried?" Jack asked, but didn't wait for the answer. He pushed Ianto over to the sofa and sat down on the coffee table, taking Ianto's hands in his. "The only person Gwen isn't angry at right now is you," Jack said, his blue eyes calm and serious. "I see it a little differently, but I haven't managed to convince her yet. Now, first, you've done a fine job taking care of Gwen. Other than a few bruises, which are from some weird clumsiness that I want Owen to see if he can figure out, she's in great shape. She was fed, housed, clothed, cuddled and played with. So, you did a fine job. If you want to improve, spend some time with your niece and nephew; you'll be fine."

"So, why was Gwen angry?" That was the part Ianto was still trying to understand.

Jack smiled and cupped Ianto's cheek. "Because you were thrown in the deep end. Even after you tried to tell us that you had no idea what you were doing, we, no, I, still gave you the job and then never gave you any backup. In my defence, I gave you the job even though you said you didn't know what to do because you're an intelligent, resourceful adult who can do lots of things you've never done before. You just roll up your sleeves and do it." Jack smiled. "It wasn't that I was ignoring you, although I'll admit I did think you were overstating your inexperience. I was just pretty sure you'd manage. Which, you did. Can you imagine Tosh or Owen?"

Although Ianto agreed about Owen, "I think Tosh'd be all right."

Jack shrugged. "Probably, but you were still the better choice." He looked up at Gwen. "Tell me you disagree."

Gwen's arms were crossed and she was scowling. "He shouldn't have been left on his own, Jack. That's the problem."

Ianto started to say something, but Jack had spread his arms. "Mea culpa," he said. "But, we got hit with one weird thing after another coming through the Rift. You two have had about twice as much sleep apiece as the rest of us put together. I also managed to figure out how to reverse it more quickly than I expected. My original plan was to trade off between the four of us, and Rhys when he came home." Jack shrugged. "Strangely enough, Torchwood got in the way of my plans."

Gwen sighed. "All right, all right. But you're giving Ianto the day off." She smiled sweetly at Ianto. "He deserves it."

"No," Jack said, but before Gwen could start yelling again, he continued with, "I'm giving everyone off until Monday morning. I'll keep an ear out and rotate who I ask for help with Weevils and such, but Tosh thinks it'll be quiet until next week."

Gwen relaxed. "All right, that sounds good. But I'm first on the rota."

"You bet," Jack said, grinning. "Might even be second and third. Now, Rhys is on his way home, so why don't you get there and greet him properly."

Shaking her head, Gwen giggled. "You won't get an argument from me," she said. "You take good care of yourself, Ianto," she said, bending down to kiss the top of his head. "You're a great babysitter; your niece and nephew don't know what they're missing. And they should," she said as her eyes flashed.

Ianto sighed as she left. "She'll be nagging me, won't she?" he asked.

"Oh, yeah," Jack said, laughing. "Now, I have to yell at you and then I'm putting you back to bed. For sleep," he said, grinning at Ianto's hopeful look. "Eventually, anyway."

"Why do I need to be yelled at?" Ianto asked. "If Gwen's OK--"

"This isn't about Gwen," Jack said, his face now stern. "This is about you trusting us." He stood up and started pacing. "Ianto, you're getting better about it, but you have to tell us, or at least me, if you're given too much to do." He shook his head. "One of the reasons we got so overwhelmed is that we kept running into things that only you know how to do. Next week, you're going to fully train me and Gwen on the archives. Then you're going to go over all the admin stuff you do with all four of us. We all have to be able to pick up for one another. Usually, that means you do it, but it leaves us in trouble when it's you who's down."

Ianto nodded, although, "How are you going to get Owen to listen?"

"Oh, Owen and I have already had this talk," Jack said. "In fact, he'll be asking how the medical archives work, and you're to make sure he understands." When Ianto had nodded, Jack sat back down. "Why didn't you make it clearer how overwhelmed you were?"

"I . . ." Ianto trailed off, shrugging. He couldn't answer the question.

"Hey, you do a lot more than 'clean up our shit, no questions asked'," Jack said gently, tipping Ianto's chin up to look into his eyes. "You're getting better about it, but this was a case in which you should have made sure we heard you in the first place, and then yelled for help as you needed it in the second. Even if the answer was, 'Uh, give her a sweet, a kiss, and a plaster,' which is mostly all that you needed, I expect you'd have felt better knowing that we agreed."

"Yeah," Ianto said, sighing. "I just--"

"Enough," Jack said, waving his hand. "You've got the point. Even if Gwen doesn't tell Owen and Toshiko off before Monday morning, they're both feeling pretty badly. After my call last night, I pulled them both in so we could get it reversed." Jack grinned. "Of course, they didn't complain since I told them I'd be flipping a coin to see who got today."

Ianto chuckled and looked out the window. "They'd have been fine. They could have taken her to the play park."

"Yeah, but they don't know that," Jack smiled. Then he turned to sit next to Ianto. "So, what shall we do with all our time off?"

Before Ianto could answer, Jack's mobile went off. As he listened, his expression turned sour.

"It sounds like we're hunting Weevils, sir," Ianto said, keeping his face straight. It wasn't easy with the face Jack was making.


End file.
